Guide to Republican TV Ads

Maybe you read my previous post on running for office and thought, “Yeah. That’s what I want to do. Run for office.”

I hate to tell you, but you’re probably going to have to go on TV to sell your story. Every candidate has the same story of humble beginnings. If you don’t, then pay some people to corroborate with you on one.

In any event, I’ve figured out what you need to run a Republican ad for office. You have to keep the pandering going.

  1. Throw the word “conservative” in the ad as much as necessary.
    It’s generally good to mention it once. You should probably consider using it as a one-for-one penance for your not-so-conservative votes. Vote for three tax increases = mention “conservative” three times.
  2. Figure out pseudo-subtle ways to address the opposition
    Voters really don’t want to see direct attacks in ads anymore. Just use this line as a base and modify as needed… “Some people who like to wear white shirts and distort my record against the background music to ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ are just flat out wrong.” Yeah. They’ll never know to whom you are referring.
  3. Use an active construction site as a location.
    I’ve seen this quite a bit this year. I suppose the location serves as a symbol of the economy improving. Uh, just be sure you don’t pick an ARRA-funded site. Bad PR, you know? And make a point to act like you’re showing the construction guys what to do. The voters love a random person who shows up and tells people how to do their own jobs.
  4. Don’t read from cue cards.
    I’ve tried to refrain from criticizing other candidates but, dude, Andre Bauer‘s new ad drives me nuts. Take some extra time and memorize your spot. If you can’t do that, pay a voiceover person (like me?).
  5. Use your family.
    Cute family members are useful, especially when your record is less than stellar. But be sure your family is actually cute. Sadly (but fortunately for you) some voters fall for the cute family ploy.
  6. Pick important-sounding background music.
    I’m sure there’s a book for political ad folks akin to the karaoke catalog DJs use. Probably has dividers to separate “negative ads”, “fluff pieces”, and “story time” music.
  7. Don’t forget to say you approve the message.
    Modern technology is amazing. It’s very possible your opponent created a clone of you for the sole purpose of creating bizarre TV ads where your clone says things you wouldn’t say. So we have to know when you think your ad is legit. Hey, why not throw a few trial balloons in an ad without “approving” it? Then if they fail you could just say you didn’t authorize your mouth speaking.

Go raise some money so you can get your own cookie cutter ad. They’re moving fast; get yours today!

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