Life’s Certainties, or, Why I Love Anti-Social Chihuahuas and Men in Navy Blazers

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

Thanks Benji. You really know how to make a gal feel optimistic. Really though, I think this mantra applies only to Members of Congress. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

I, instead, have my own list of certainties in this world. Don’t bother conducting the research to test it. I have 24 years of experience here.

*The person standing in front of you in the checkout line will stand there forever and wait until the last possible moment to start writing a check.

*Men in khakis and blue blazers will always catch my eye. I’ll double take on that before I double take on a topless guy. Joys of being a Republican, #188.

*That screaming kid the parent is ignoring? Give it 5 minutes before the parent loses said kid.

*”Some people” is almost always “some person”. Example: “Some people need to stop writing blog posts about passive-aggressive people”. And, you know, the target probably knows you’re talking about him or her. My verdict? Either call him/her out directly or don’t say anything at all.

*The data usage section of my cell bill will be longer than any other section. AT&T has already mentioned plans to limit data use, primarily from iPhone users. BlackBerry (CrackBerry?) is probably next.

*People will always treat Wal-Mart as a personal runway for the most daring of trends. By “daring”, I mean “neon, fuzzy, or 3 sizes too small”. And by “trends”, I mean “never was a trend”.

*As each day passes, someone in the love pentagon of Edwards-Edwards-Hunter-Young-Young will out-douchebag the other.

*Men just aren’t going to understand women and women just aren’t going to understand men. Moving on…

*South Carolina politicians will peddle Christianity as though it’s a campaign tool rather than a personal religion.

*People will block the intersection. I hope you didn’t have to be anywhere right away.

*Music will continue to become more generic. If that’s logically possible, as “generic” seems like a stopping point.

*I will, somehow, outnerd myself every day.

*Toddlers are almost always cute, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible. They toddle & try to say things and, gosh, it’s too cute.

*Every generation thinks its shows were awesome. When you pause to reflect, you’ll realize why future gens will think we were idiots for liking our shows. Talking wallabies? Hoisting shorts up a flag pole at summer camp? Kids racing up a lighted fake mountain? Uh…what?

Fin.

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